I received a piece of spam today which caught me quite by surprise.  I almost never see spam anymore, my gmail filter is that good.  “How did this get through?” I wondered as I turned the envelope over and over in my hands…then I realized: the spamers had evaded my filters by using snail mail!  Clever bastards!

The envelope, from Saint Matthew’s Churches, had been personally prayed over by members of the congregation; I know because it told me so in big, yellow high-lighted letters on the outside, front and back.  Inside were more well wishes, as well as promises about God’s ability to offer me great financial blessings, plus an offer to send me a prayer cross (“DO NOT SEND ANY MONEY FOR IT. IT IS FREE“), if only I would provide a name and address (the envelope was sent to “resident” – apparently God did not provide them anything more specific).  Also included were testimonials from such reliable sources as Rev. H.D.S, who has “been aquainted with [this ministry] for [over 30] years, and know [them] to be a great [people] of God;” and Sis A.B., who God bleessed with a home and a gas station (could I make that up if I tried?).  Perhaps it was just the terrible grammer, but I swear I could hear the whole thing being read with a Nigerian accent.

My very favorite part though was the sealed envelope inside with “a sign from theLord about your future.”

IMPORTANT – Only break open this sealed prophocy after you have put this Postcard and your prayer request back in the mail to this 58-year-old church ministry…before sunset tomorrow or the next day.

Say it with me now: “You must forward this email to 10 people in the next 25 hours of something awful will happen to you!!!!!”  Well, I’m going to risk it, here we go…

 ”PROPHETIC WORD GIVEN FOR YOUR SPIRITUAL EDIFICATION”

From there it goes on for a full page with vague promises about change, new directions and of course a very important “DECISION THAT MUST BE MADE,” all of which will be easier now, thanks to my new faith.  What’s actually quite creepy about all of this is that it’s done in the first person, from God’s perspective…funny that they couldn’t get him to sign it.

And just in case you are thinking these people are simply earnest believers with a broken Caps Lock key, I should mention that their “church” is in Houston TX, but their mailing address is Tulse OK.  Hmmm…