This will be my last pose on the topic of my recent trip to Oklahoma. I have a lot of gripes with the way the conference was put together, but to be honest I don’t think anyone cares and I don’t feel like whining too much in my blog, so instead I’m going to relate to you all of the hilariously stupid things that people said at the conference. I’m not talking about attendees or freudian slips either – I’m talking about the elected officials and government employees on the panels who said dumb things in their official presentations.

I don’t want to know the first female lieutenant governor of Oklahoma, and maybe this is picking on her since she “don’t know the difference between a gigabyte and a ham sandwich”, but perhaps has she heard of the word computer? Perhaps the phrase “computer science”? Why make up a new term to replace an old one that’s probably younger than she is?

This one is even more egregious since it came from the CIO of the air force. Again, has the term computer security or information security suddenly become passe?

Megaherz communication system? Megahertz is a unit. That’s like saying “I’m doing miles per hour in my car”. Perhaps the good mayor would be kind enough to provide a unit along with his unit of measurement.

A router just for email! Wow – wish I had one of those.

sorry, no caustic comments on this one.

Forget who said this, but I think he was in the wrong place – the medical school was down the street.

Your tax dollars at work

Well that’s all I remember (I stopped paying attention to a lot of the speaches after the first day). If they’re not funny then I guess you just had to be there. Just remember kids – you too can slack off in school, drink in college, and still get yourself a good paying government job as president of the United States.

Good news – the aforementioned pictures were taken by a camera phone in a dark bar with inconsistent lighting so they didn’t come out. Phew!

Last night some of the students here at the cybercore conference went out to a club called suede. Former high-school idol Mudge came along too. When we went in there was a band on stage playing the acoustic version of Snoop Dog’s Boys in the Hood (which happens to be hilarious). The band featured a tattooed man in a wife beater playing what looked like a Banjo but wasn’t, two guitarists, and bass chello, and a lady on the harmonica. They played what can be best called “hard rock bluegrass”. It was a hysterically good time for all involved, and made me feel like i was getting the true Oklahoma experience. The club itself resembled a martini lounge, but none of the people (especially the band) resembled what I would call a standard martini lounge (not that I really know mind you).

I also made the fatal mistake of allowing someone to take pictures of me while attempting to dance, so I may have to pay her to keep them off the Internet.

I’m at the cyber corp conference in Tulsa OK. Suffice it to say, Tulsa is not the most interesting city in the world. So far our conference has had a lot of people trying to associate computer security and terrorism. I’ve heard the term “cyber terrorism” more times today than I can count, and it’s only noon. Now I have a shocker for you: There is no such thing as cyber-terrorism. How many cyber-terrorist attacks have there ever been worldwide? Zero.

The goal of terrorists is to create terror. They want you to be afraid to fly planes, take buses, or let your kids outside to the playground. If a terrorist takes out an electrical grid, they do not strike fear into a society. They may create an annoyance, but annoying people isn’t the goal of terror. Using IT a terrorist cannot kill people (the primary method of scaring people). In the past 20 years technology has increased a thousand fold providing us with new abilities and tools beyond our previous dreams. Terrorism has remained remarkably stable. Terrorists are still making bombs and using knives just as they were 20, 50, and 100 years ago.

According to Ibope/NetRatings, The average American spent 13 hours and 43 minutes online in May. I think I spent that much time online in one day.

Last summer I fell in love with the Tour De France while watching the text broadcast online. This summer I’m watching again, and with the tour about half over I’ve decided to explain why I have fallen in love with the race.

Lance I might as well admit it. Although I do remember reading about Greg LeMond when I was 10, Lance is what got me interested this time around. The man was given less than a 10% chance of surviving cancer. Not only did he survive, he’s currently setting some of the toughest endurance records known to man. He is an inspiration not just to athletes or cancer victims, but to all of humanity. How can you not root for this guy.
Toughness Soccer players like to constantly remind baseball players that they play soccer in any weather – rain and snow be damned. They have nothing on the Tour. The riders ride for a month straight without rest. For 5-6 hours a day they are in constant motion, unable to stop even for a bathroom break. They ride through anything – rain, snow, and 100* heat. Every possible obstacle in consideed “in play”. If a train goes accross the road and half the people have to stop and wait for it, then that’s just their tough luck. Riders have had to content with trains, herd of cattle, and the occasional marauding fan. Somehow, they always tough it out. Last year Tyler Hamilton broke his collar bone and still finished fourth overall.
Weakness The Tour De France is cycling’s premier event. One does not make it into the race at all without being amongst the best cyclists in the world. We are constantly reminded that even the lowliest bench player in the major leagues is stil in the top .01% of players worldwide, and the same is true for the cyclists in the Tour. The race started with 188 racers, and with the race half over and the hard part yet to begin, 19 people have already been forced to drop out. Imagine that: this race is so hard that even the best .01% of the riders in the world can’t finish it. Imagine if the New Engliand Patriots came out of the locker room after half time at the super bowl to find out that 6 of their players had been forced to quit because the game was too hard. It just makes the winners that much more amazing.
Individual or team sport? Cycling is unique in that it is neither a team nor an in individual sport exclusively. Each rider is on a team, yet is also out for individual glory. Teammates protect each other, ride together for the team time trials (which was won by US Postal), and usually look out for each other’s interests – unless of course two of them are competing for a stage victory. There is also another issue – riding behind another person is easier due to lessened wind resistance. In last years tour there was a stage where 7 riders broke from the main group to try and win. They cooperated for some time, but a few miles from the end they got in trouble. 2 of them kept cooperating by alternating turns riding in front to take the wind. The other 5 had an argument over who should ride in front. Ultimately the group of 2 was well ahead of everyone else. A short distance from the finsih line the two riders stood up on their bikes, shook hands, and sprinted for the finish line.
A thinking mans game Baseball is called a thinking man’s game, but that’s only because the fans like sit around and memorize endless lists of statistics and htink about the game all the time. Bicycling on the other hand requires the athletes to think. If a rider breaks from the group too soon in a stage they will be too tired by the end to maintain their pace. Break too late and there is no advantage ot be gained. If another rider breaks from the group, then each team (especially the ones in the front) must decide wether it is worth the time and effort to try and speed up the whole group and chase down the breakaway rider or riders. This is largely dependent on who the riders are and how much of a threat to the team’s goal they are viewed as. In a breakway (called an attack), the attacking riders must decide how long to work together and when to pursue individual glory.
The French The French invented it. The French take great pride in it. The French fans love to watch it in droves. It’s being dominated by Germans and Americans. What other irony do you want?

Now keep your eye on the tour this weekend folks. Lance may be 9 minutes back but none of his major competitors are in front of him. Friday and Saturday are the first two stages in the pyrenees mountains and will serve to seperate the men from the boys. They also both finish on the peaks of mountains (at altitude), so the good climbers will really have an advantage.

LA is a city which missed its calling. A large sprawling city nestled between the San-Gabriel and Santa Monica mountains it has the potential for some amazing sky lines, scenic overlooks, and mountain vistas. Instead of focusing on the natural beauty that surrounds the city, they have chosen to focus on beautiful people instead. I went hiking in the hills near the hollywood sign this morning. I was surrounded by scenic mountains, and has a great view of the city below. There was one problem: smog. I could barely see the skyline and the sky was a dull grey. I saw some views which should have been breathtaking, but instead were simply “nice” thanks to the hazy view. Like many stadiums these days, Dodgers stadiums has an open outfield wall so the fans can see the view. Most stadiums these days look onto their city’s skyline. Dodgers stadium, sitting in a gorge has what should be a fantastic view of a mountain range jutting up against the sky. Once again, the smog obscures the mountains and turns the sky from a July blue to a February grey.

For the first time in my life I find myself in California. Me and Jamil (a coworker) are here this week to do some work at JPL. JPL is home to the Mars rovers and the new Casinni probe that just entered orbit around Saturn, so there is lots to see there. LA is also a very cool city so this will probably be a fun trip. Our travel agent must have loved me and Jamil when we called because she set us up in the Ritz Carlton in Pasadena. It is the nicest hotel I have ever even seen. Name an amenity, they have it. Seriously, just click on the link and look at the picture on the front page to see what I mean.

My friend Rami Genauer is doing a trip this summer to every major league ballpark in the country and writing about it in rotoworld. He happened to be in LA tonight seeing the Dodgers game so I met up with him at Dodgers stadium to see the game. Even though I still had little emotional attachment to the players, it was a heck of a lot more fun than the minor league in Huntsville last week. The crowd was into it, the quality of play was better, and Eric Gagne was amazing. LA also has absolutely no public transportation, so I drove to the game along with 30,000 other people. Dodgers stadium thankfully has the largest parking lot in the western world. Even the old Veteran’s stadium doesn’t have a parking lot that’s eve half as big as the Dodgers one. Now want to guess what I did? You guessed it – I forgot where I parked my car. I spent half an hour walking around the parking lot pressing the alarm button on the clicker trying to find my car.

Acomplishment of the day: surviving my first drive on the LA freeway.

Had my dad and little brother in town this weekend for the fourth of July. We went to see the fireworks last night where I learned that photographing fireworks on a cheap digital camera is harder than you think. Also, my little brother reclaimed his snake although he’s not sure if he’ll be allowed to take it to WashU and keep it in the dorms.

For years I’ve heard people say that minor league baseball is “purer” than the pros. Numerous magazine articles have been writen about how wonderful and close to the game you feel at a minor league game.

Well I just came back from my first minor league game ever and all I can say is: baloney. Yeah we could sit right next to the game for $8, but there wasn’t much to watch. I felt like I was at a high school game. There was practically no crowd, and it was hard to get ito the game. On the plus side it was a hecklers paradise. With only 100 or so people there, you could hear every word that was said by everyone. On the other hand, we were sitting right on the edge of the field and the players all have bats. It really did feel like a high school baseball game – I barely even had the heart to heckle the players because I kept thinking of them as high schoolers.

Now it wasn’t all bad. The Huntsville Stars did win, and I got to see Tony Gwynn Jr, Prince Fielder (son of Cecil), and Jake the Diamond Dog who was almost worth the price of admission on his own. Jake is a very well trained golden retriever. Jake played ball boy for a few innings, retrieving the bats hitters had dropped and returning them to the apropriate dugout. He also gave one fan flowers, caught frisbees, brought water to the umpires between innings, brought out extra baseballs when needed, and urinated in center field.

I would say something like “hello from beautiful scenic Huntsville Alabama”, except that from what I’ve seen there is nothing either beautiful or scenic around here. I would say that it has “small town charm”, but it doesn’t have that either. All this town seems to have is Marshall Space Flight Center, space camp, and a whole lot of strip malls. I honestly can’t figure out where the residents of this town live, and the only employment is either working in retail in one of the strip malls, or for NASA.

On the plus side, the work we’re doing has been a lot of fun so far, and the hotel has both internet access and ESPN. What else do you really need in life?